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Screwed.

I've depleted all benefits even working part time. I'm doing my resume over withe the help of a friend who looks over resumes all the time. Maybe I'll get a call back.

This SUCKS.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying, really.
But I'm unable to keep up with everyone. Please bear with me. At least I'm posting, right?

I have emailed about a job at an animal sanctuary twice but have not heard back. It's so frustrating. I asked if it was a room or an apartment and if I could bring my dogs. I can't really apply for the position until I know those two things.

Haven't heard back from any other applications as of yet. Will be sending out more as soon as I get the time to look through this weeks notices.

Also working on my Senior Showcase event for the Pet Fair on April 30 and I've hit a bunch of snags, not the least of which being a drain on my time this past weekend.

I wanted to go to bed earlier, but couldn't get into the shower because my niece (the one whose whole life is a vacation) had to get a 45 minute shower and so I've been on here while my hair dries and of course I'm eating. An apple, so I'm ok with the eating thing.

Got into a discussion on a local facebook community and decided I have no more tolerance for people who do animal rescue work in such a way that they compromise the welfare of the human-canine/feline relationship. You can't care ONLY about the animal. These animals are community and family members, and the need to recognize that connection through the rescue work is great. You can't just react to an event and belittle anyone who disagrees with you. That accomplishes nothing.

I went to a meeting last night for one of my rescue organizations. We had a meet and greet segment and there were actually a lot of new potential members there, but as I walked around and talked to them I came to the conclusion that they are not the caliber of people I prefer to work with. One woman told me (after telling me all about dog training without bothering to ask my name or what I do for a living) that she only trains aggressive dogs. I told her I don't believe in aggressiveness in dogs and walked away. Now, if you know more than the average person about dog training, you would understand that I'm talking about aggressiveness for aggressiveness sake. Dogs with aggressive behaviors are often reacting to fearful stimuli, which is different than just being a jackass of a dog. This same woman followed me, telling me about how when she was 16 and training horses she was kicked in the chest by an 18 hand high thoroughbred, and that it took her ten minutes to get up and that when she did she whaled the horse in the head with a 2x4.

Ooooookayyyyyyyy.

Her husband, I found out, was the guy with the beautiful boxer wearing a search and rescue vest. He corners us as I am forced to stop at the wall and as he starts talking to me about dog training methods as if I didn't know any, the stench of his liquid lunch floats into my face and I immediately lose my appetite.

WTF. I may be considered, in some corners, to be OTT with the animal rescue stuff, but at least I know enough to approach emotionally charged situations with logical and confident assertions and readily accessible references.

So take that.

Well, that's where I am lately. Love to all.

Fear

So, when I find jobs that sound promising I don't always apply for them because I'm afraid I'm not qualified even though technically I am. Why is that?
I honestly think I'm afraid to be successful, but I'm afraid to admit that because I'm also afraid that I'm not as good as I think I am.
WTF is wrong with me?

I have to make changes this year. January is already half-over and I haven't met my goals. I wanted to apply to at least four jobs before the end of the month and I haven't applied to any. Yet. I do plan on applying to two today, after I check out their web sites and write my cover letters. But if I find reasons not to do that today, what does that make me? A chickenshit.

I don't want to be a chickenshit anymore.

But how do I stop? Something stops me from actually taking action some of the time (like, the times that count the most) and I can't figure out what it is and it drives me insane.

OTOH some of the reasons I find to avoid doing what I profess to want to do are legit. I'm the only one who can do for me and the dogs and sometimes doing so takes longer or involves more than what is typical, and even though they can still feel like excuses, if I didn't do those things no one else will do them.

But the first thing I need to do is find a job that will not only pay me enough money to get independent on, but that I will not hate. I'd love to fuse everything together and write about dogs. And yes, freelancing and blogging is on my list of things to do this year, too. And I want to set up the blog before the end of February.

So, see...there's all these things I want to do (have to do to keep my sanity) and for whatever reason, they don't always get done.

It's so frustrating being me. Really.
Hey look, I'm here again. :o)

I didn't go to work yesterday because of the snow, so spent most of my time alternating between shoveling the driveway with my sister-in-law and lounging in my room with a book. I also did a job search, which was predictably useless.

I am on my lunch break right now and I would give anything to not have to return to that place. I can't tolerate it. My boss hasn't even been there for the last two weeks (she's on yet another vacation) and it's still unbearable. I hate micromanagers, they make everything inefficient and they make everyone unhappy. Why don't they see that?

I deserve respect and responsibility and right now all I am is a body in a room. I need more than that from my life. I have a college degree for crying out loud!

How depressing it is...this life...

Baby Steps

I have resolved to make time for my LJ this year. I have neglected it, and all of you, for too long. I miss this experience. I used my LJ to talk to my friends and sound off and learn about them through their journals and I've lost touch with too many people that I care about. Some of you are on facebook, and I LOVE that because I find facebook to be Diane-friendly in that I can touch base with a bunch of people at once. I find it Diane-unfriendly in that I can't always express my personal feelings completely because some of those feelings are of the "up to here" variety about family members and they're on my facebook.

You all always give me such good advice, and we have such lively discussions, and to be frank I don't have that many friends around me here at home. Except for one or two that I see on a regular-type basis, even those friends who live in my county are too far out of my reach with the bustle and worries in their own lives. And I miss companionship, which I haven't truly had for a long time and which I miss even more ever since mom died. So I want to do my part and reach out again to all of you here, to be aware of and active about what is going on in your lives again.

I can't promise a regimen of journal postings, but I can promise baby-step posts if anyone wants to walk with me again.

Tags:

Me and the Uneducated.

A couple of weeks ago I got called into the office and asked "Is there something wrong?"
Turns out I was yelling at the dogs too much. Ok, I was. I admitted that. I have an ass of a GSD every day who makes my life difficult and I yell at him a lot. There are way too many dogs for the space and as a result I have way too many kennel rotations (some dogs don't get along with other dogs) which results in stressed-out dogs, which result in a stressed-out Diane. Big deal. It isn't like I'm hurting the dogs feelings, for God's sake. I yell their NAMES.
But the grooming customers can hear me. *GASP* How awful.

Digression: Customers hearing the noise from the daycare is a HUGE issue with this woman. Now, forgive me, but if you're going to put 14 or more dogs in a smallish space, you have to expect a certain amount of noise when they play. Like barking, growling, extended growling, and the occasional arguments (which are very different than fights). If you don't want the customers to look terrified when bringing little Binky in for a wash-N-set, perhaps you should use some of your enormous fortune that you're always talking about, and make the rooms soundproof.
Or, you know, SUCK IT UP. End digression.

My co-worker sometimes puts dogs down on the floor when they are doing something she doesn't like. She isn't mean about it - she doesn't "throw" them down; she works them down. Often called a "dominance down" or "alpha roll," this technique is outdated, dangerous, and shouldn't in any case be practiced on dogs that you don't own. I never put dogs down. I may hold them down by the collar if they are jumpy puppies, but I don't push them to the floor on their sides. It's just wrong. But my boss seems to think this is a required element in a daycare setting. How else to explain why I get a lecture for yelling and my co-worker gets adulation for alpha rolling?

Today I called my boss into my room to talk to her about something. The GSD, naturally, barked at her when she came in. He barks at everyone when they come in. She immediately started talking to him and almost went back out the door and said, "See, this is why I didn't want to come in."
"If you just give him a minute, he'll stop. I need to show you this."
So I distracted her by showing her what I needed to show her, and the GSD found something else to attend to, and all should have been well. EXCEPT that what the GSD found to distract himself was a puppy GSD. They are both vocal, and they are both loud when they play. She started yelling at them.
"They're fine, they're playing."
"Yeah, I know they're fine but the people out there can hear them."

What's your fucking point?

I really don't understand what she wants from me. I'm not allowed to yell. I was told that I use the water bottles too much. And my co-worker hates it when I hit the air horn. So what am I supposed to do to control 14 huge ass dogs? She gives me restrictions with no alternative solutions.

And once in a while she waltzes into a room and makes announcements to the dogs, who only flock to her because her presence in the room is a novelty, not because she's a damn dog whisperer.

I cannot wait to leave. The things I'm going to say to her will give her apoplexy, because everyone around her tells her what she wants to hear, rather than telling her what she needs to hear. Living for that day.
I found a writing position I'm going to apply for because it's up to 60K a year and wouldn't THAT be nice. They could actually have me for half that. But it's designated as OUTSIDE of Philadelphia and that they would pay relocation expenses for the right person. But relocate to where? It would be just my luck to actually land a job like this and then find out that I'd be expected to live in Denver, Colorado (breed ban). Yes, it would happen to me.

It's a marketing writing position, which is highly interesting to me. And, I'm qualified, mostly.

I'm trying to find a few other jobs to apply for as well.

You might be wondering why.

My boss is killing me.

I can understand wanting to have things the way you want them when you're the one paying the bills. But you can't expect consistency of behavior in human beings if the rules are changed daily. And they are. She denies this, of course, but when I confronted her with the lack of a procedural manual to make things easier on everyone, I was given a lecture about how she's the owner. Which means nothing to me, frankly. She hired me on the basis that I know more about group dog behavior than she does and could give her reasonable guidance on where to take her doggie daycare. From minute one she took all of my suggestions and became confrontational and defensive about all of them. About three months in I gave up. As a result, she's not operating a doggie daycare as much as a doggie dayKENNEL.

And every day without fail I am asked a stupid question:
"What are they doing?"
"Playing."

"Why does he DO that?"
"He's playing."

"Why is this dog sitting between my legs?"
"She's comfortable?"

I mean, COME ON!!!!! You own a store, a grooming parlor, and a daycare and you DON'T KNOW DICK ABOUT DOGS?????

What's worse? She owns two shelties. And she's afraid of them. She brings them to work and everyone BUT her takes them for walks.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

So you see why I have to leave.

I MISS YOU ALL AND WANT TO COME BACK!!!!!

Will I be forgiven?
Will I be read?

I miss my LJ...

They're Home.

My SIL barely said hello to me and totally ignored my attempts to converse about her trip. Whatever. Glad that Miami sunshine did you some good.

I am now waiting for them to tell me how many days I have to vacate, because I seriously think they're going to do just that.

Wish I knew what I did wrong.

Tags:

Termite Damage Throughout.

Being eaten from the inside out?
Yeah, I know how this house feels.
:o(

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Love Schlurp
artisticalias
Just Being Me; and it Ain't Pretty.

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