The Art of Alias

My SIL barely said hello to me and totally ignored my attempts to converse about her trip. Whatever. Glad that Miami sunshine did you some good.

I am now waiting for them to tell me how many days I have to vacate, because I seriously think they're going to do just that.

Wish I knew what I did wrong.

Being eaten from the inside out?
Yeah, I know how this house feels.
:o(

Thanks for the luck everyone - keep it coming because it seems to be working!!

The house I'm going to look at has already been foreclosed. It is bank-owned, which sucks in a way because that means they'll want as much money for it as they can get (they dropped the price $40,000 and it's been on the market for over 100 days) and I'll have to pay all the transfer taxes and everything - but with the first time buyer's tax incentive, I just might be ok financially.

The neighborhood is decent, the yard is already fenced-in and looks, frankly, fairly big (can you say garden AND a place to hold dog-training classes??), and the swimming pool might be an interesting bonus (or not, depending). I'm guessing it needs windows and upgrades galore, and I'm just hoping it doesn't need a new roof, new plumbing, or new electrical work. I can see by the pictures it definitely needs TLC on the inside in the form of carpet and paint, (a second bathroom, too) and I'm cool with that. If I can invest money into making this house better over, say, the next five years, I should certainly be able to recoup anything I might put into it.

Of course, I'm probably jinxing myself by daydreaming about already living there, but I can't help it. I want my dogs. I want my freedom (not that being tied to a house is freedom-inducing) and I want to be able to afford to live. It's the best hope I've seen in two years. Please pray for me or, for the non-praying, keep sending the positive vibes.

I need this, I really, really need this.

My cousin the realtor is hard at work looking for appropriate properties for me.
We found one in a decent area that is 91 years old (Oy) but has a fenced-in yard and an above ground pool (!) There are two bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, an itty bitty kitchen, and an extra room joining the dining room and kitchen (weird). One bathroom.
It's in some kind of foreclosure, which kind of scares me because of all the paying all the transfer taxes and stuff (but I could get the $8,000 first-time buyer's incentive) and it has oil heat. If it's drafty (and at 91, who wouldn't be?) that could be a potential waste of a lot of money. And there's no A/C (but there's a pool?).
However, I don't care if it's drafty. I don't care if it needs carpeting or painting or any minor TLC stuff. What I can't do is a new roof, new plumbing, new electrical, etc.

A fenced-in yard. Both of my dogs.

I'm making a viewing appointment.
Wish me LOTS of luck, please. I don't even know if I would qualify for a mortgage. *sigh*

I don't think I have the words to describe how much it sucks that there is no one here who actually cares about me.

I really, really miss my mom.

WHY do Home Owner's Association fees have to be so freaking high?
I can handle a reasonable mortgage, but I can't handle a reasonable mortgage AND an unreasonable HOA fee AND an unreasonable yearly property tax (and why do I have to pay the property tax if I don't actually own the property but RENT it every month?).

WTF?

I get nothing from this life. Nothing. :o(

I don't want to jinx anything, but my cousin the realtor is coming up with some very favorable news for me.

Stay tuned.

I've been trying to find time to work on this mural at work. I like to do it on Sundays because the daycare is closed and I can bring my dogs and let them play. Or, I was able to bring my dogs and let them play. I asked my boss this morning if I could bring the dogs tonight instead of tomorrow and she said she's re-thinking the whole thing because she doesn't want to have to make exceptions for her employees.

What? I'm not there just to let the dogs play. I'm creating a mural for you at no charge.

Here's what gets to me:

I started the mural at the end of October.
She began having us work alternate 6 day weeks in the beginning of November.
I don't know about her, but for me the holiday season is not only busy but also draining.
She says to me, sarcastically, "Well, how many Saturdays have you worked?"
Um, we were closed the day after Christmas and the Saturday after new year's. I've worked my every other Saturday before and since. Your point?
"I had expected it (the mural) to be further along."

I felt like saying eff you and walking out. I am trying to build two careers outside of your lonely little freaking daycare, honey. One of those careers YOU are supposed to help me with - but you haven't said shit about dog training since November when you told me you didn't want me to have dog training classes outside of your daycare. I'll need clarity on that one babe. I don't train under you, I train under Jeanie and I will train where and when SHE tells me.

Also, WHERE ARE MY HEALTH BENEFITS?????

The part of the mural I have up on the wall (a fairly long wall) is a treble clef staff. She is obviously oblivious about how long it takes to get lines evenly spaced and neat with a paint brush. You know, I'm sorry I wanted it to look nice. Sheesh.

I was hired in my capacity as a dog trainer and group supervisor. I suggested a dog be kicked out because he's not that nice of a dog, but she doesn't want to kick him out because otherwise he'd have to spend 16 hours in a laundry room. With his housemate. They both weigh about 15 pounds.

But she doesn't have enough compassion for my dogs, who have nowhere to run around except the once a week I bring them to the daycare while I do yet more work for no money.

I am so ready to get the hell out of here and go somewhere I can be appreciated.

The question is - where the hell is that?

...and have your "hello" met with complete and utter ignorance.

*shuts the door of her bedroom once more*

It seems the 17 year old missed the bus. Again.
How this happens when the bus stop is the end of the driveway is beyond me.
Anyhoo, I was asked if I could take her to school.
I had 20 minutes to finish getting myself and the dogs ready before I left for work in order to be on time.
Her school is about 20 minutes in the complete opposite direction from my work.
So I said "No, I can't."

I am back home on my lunch break, the part-time/as needed Nanny is here, and I haven't seen or heard from the 17 year old so I don't know if she's here or not.

Nor do I care.

You want to tell me I'm a guest instead of an independent adult roommate? Then don't expect family stuff from this ex-family member. Mmkay?

Thought I'd get the camera and do a quick lift of the covers and shoot. This is what I got.



Love my girls.

He can speak for me.

I appreciate to the extreme that my brother and sister in law allow me to live here with my dogs, but there are a few things I could do without, like:

1. It terrible that I complain about stepping on toy cars, toy blocks, toy whatever is plastic and sharp enough to cut the bottoms of my feet on a daily basis, because a three year old boy doesn't need to be taught to be responsible enough to clean up after himself??

2. My dogs are kept in one small room day after day and night after night because MY bedtime is about 10:00 at night while the three year old is still up watching movies in the room next to mine so I can't let the dogs out to play. Not that they could, what with all the toys laying all over the floor (and random pieces of food).

3. I can only shower every other night because I have to use the main bathroom because you refuse to fix the water problem in the downstairs bathroom, which I thought was for my use but which is now potty-training central. Whatever.

4. I have to carry my crap back and forth to the bathroom because GOD FORBID I leave shampoo and conditioner in the shower. What was I thinking??

5. I have to use plastic utensils and paper plates because if I GOD FORBID use the real stuff it sits in my room forever because the kitchen sink is ALWAYS full of dirty dishes. ALWAYS.

6. I have to eat microwavable food only.

7. I can only do laundry on Saturdays.

8. The dogs are not allowed to go out a particular door to pee after it snows because people (me and my sister in law) might see yellow snow. So when it snowed fifteen inches, I had to shovel the lawn in order to open the correct door and take them out.

9. I should babysit AND make my car available whenever needed. I kid you not.

10. This is my favorite: My brother and sister in law are going down to Florida with the little ones at the end of the month. The seventeen year old is staying home to go to school. I asked my sister in law if I could ask my friend from Harrisburg to come and visit me for the weekend and she said ok. Tonight I asked her what day they were coming back - she told me - I said, "Ok because so and so will probably come up and see me that weekend." To which she replied that she would have to talk to my brother about that because she's "uncomfortable" having someone else in the house when they aren't home because the seventeen year old will be home. WHAT? So now I can't have anyone come visit me even though I LIVE HERE TOO?? "The seventeen year old wouldn't be allowed to have her girlfriends here with us gone."
?
"Well, when you talk to Gary about it please keep in mind that me and my friend are NOT seventeen."

Jesus. I can't believe this. I really can't. I already ASKED my friend to come up because she said ok when I told her I was thinking about doing so. NOW she's "uncomfortable" with it?

I have GOT to find a place to live!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out I have an inherited IRA account. Funny how I haven't seen any paperwork about this until now, eh bro?

Anyhoo...I know nothing about IRAs and researching it online has given me a terrible headache. Can someone explain this to me in simple terms (I am truly a moron when it comes to numbers)? It looks like the money in it is growing - is that right or am I reading it wrong? Does the money keep growing? Will I be able to use this money to maybe buy a house or a car or something?

Help!!

We had about fifteen inches of snow right before Christmas. Lyla loves the snow, so I took her out in it and filmed about 20 minutes worth of video that probably very few of you would watch all the way through. So here's an almost 3 minute snippet.

Excuse the heavy breathing. I'm fat, it was cold, and Lyla was pulling me all over the place.

P.S. My brother is a drama queen.

My brother just told me that the house is in foreclosure.
I'm going to have to fact the facts.
I can't find anywhere to live with the dogs, so I'll have to re-home them somehow.
Lyla is going to take some doing. She can't go with just anyone, due to her dog reactivity.
Bryndy will be easier, relatively speaking.

Then I can find an apartment and curl up and die in it.

I hated high school. Really. If I wasn't being bullied I was being ignored.
Sometimes it was hard to tell which one I preferred.
Facebook is like being back in high school sometimes, except I get to see that all those people who bullied me and were otherwise complete and total shits to me get to have everything in life they ever wanted while I am stuck firmly in a room the size of a converted garage with two pit bulls who don't get enough exercise.
I have nothing of my own and no amount of working towards having something of my own is getting me anywhere. I have no savings (lent it all to my brother months ago without my SIL's knowledge), no retirement fund, and no medical insurance.
I have a car that is almost ten years old with 91,000+ miles on it and needs a $300 break job and I'm two payments behind.
I haven't paid my phone bill because I decided that Christmas for the kids was more important.
And I had to call out sick today and I can't afford to do that again.

I could fall off the earth today and the only ones who would notice are the people to whom I owe money.

It really, REALLY sucks to be alone in life.

In no particular order, here are some things in my life I'd like to take control over this year:

Get back into LJ and reconnect with everyone here because you all mean more to me than you could ever imagine and I hate not feeling connected with your lives.

Start teaching dog training classes.

Create and maintain a budget that allows me to save money with every paycheck.

Start freelance writing for the animal industry.

Go to animal industry seminars ($ restrictions on this, of course).

Start presenting pet dog seminars through training service and work.

Etsy.

Start community educational organization centered on pet dog ownership responsibilities and BSL legislation: (The Pit bull Information and Teaching Services of Bucks County = The PITS of Bucks County).

Organize my space.

Organize my time.

Spend more time with my dogs.

Read more books.

Release more books.

Be more creative.

Only I can move my world and mold it to what I want it to be for me. I just hope I have the strength and stamina I need to get where I want to be in the relatively quick time I want to get there. As you all probably know, patience isn't my strong point.

Tomorrow it will be one year since Mommy died. I can't even begin to describe how this loss has effected me. Like a child, I keep hoping I'll wake up tomorrow morning and find out this whole last year has been a nightmare. But like the adult I am, I know I can't escape the reality of it all. The grief and pain is just as tender tonight as it was last year, and I feel like I should have made some kind of progress with that.

Don't get me wrong, I don't break down every day. I've managed to find those moments, over the last year, where I could smile and even laugh with memories of her that are happier. I just wish that instead of sharing my triumphs and falterings with the memory of her, I could share them with her. I miss her advice, her luminosity, and her absolute conviction that I am a wonderful person. And I miss the sound of her laughter and the color of her eyes. I miss the way she grabbed my hand every night when I put her to bed last year and said, "I love you," like she wasn't sure I really knew it. I did. I hope she knew it when I said it back to her.

I am so thankful that I had her as my mom. I am so thankful that a part of her is within me. And I hope I live up to that honor.

I just miss her so. I think I always will.

Four WEEKS? Really?

The list of things that I inadvertently neglect keeps getting longer.

I haven't yet had the money to get the dogs the shots they need for daycare and since we don't really have a routine settled yet, I'm hesitant to add a dimension (Lyla) that we aren't ready for.

I haven't heard anything back from my boss about "Tricked Out for the Holidays," where I suggested we offer after-hours kennel care for dogs that includes interactive training wherein they learn a trick. I'm bringing in two trainers who are willing to work for the hours to count towards their CPDT instead of money. I submitted questions and marketing suggestions to her a while ago and already mentioned that I did so, once. If she is going to do this, she has to start marketing it soon.

And with closing my storage unit and bringing selected crap into my room, not having the time to do a whole lot with all of it, and once more living out of boxes, I cannot keep my focus on other shit. I just move piles of crap from one place to another.

I hate being disorganized and squished. :o(